I’m beginning to recommend Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone and Orgasmic Meditation (OM) as a suggested “active approach” for couples in search of new desire and arousal. Apart from the technique of OM, and the larger practice of Slow Sex, one of my favorite ideas from the book is that sex is an art, so we cannot “fail” at it. The first chapter is well written, and motivational toward a sex-positive life.
Not A Task
Erotic life is not a “task” unless we, or a partner, make it so. We can choose not to be creative in our erotic mind and sexual life, and we often do. But that is first and foremost a problem of finding creativity in life itself – as a lifelong pursuit. For those in committed relationship, treating it as a “soft” responsibility may make sense, given how important it usually is to emotional life.
Desire And Children’s Security
For those who are parents of children under 18,I am fairly firm in the belief that the childrens’ greatest security lies in the vitality of the parents desire for one another. Nothing is more sacred than the responsibility to parent well. And, parenting does little for real adult desire. The benefits of seeing one’s parents engaged in wanting each other is for many one of the warmest of childhood memories.
Still A Journey
The OM development process is sound in its methodology, involving the partners psychologically in a good if limited or basic way. There is integral use of debriefing both mind and body experience. OM can involve some frustration at certain times, or plateaus, of arousal and orgasmic response. Paired with the pleasure that’s indulged, the plateaus and non-orgasmic frustration, OM can be a valid personal development experience. It might provide in some focusing practice that some women could use to hold their arousal more stably and controllably..
Slowing Down, Noticing
OM focuses on slowing down inside, becoming more body-aware; those are the “meditative” elements. They are intended, like a cross between Tantra and the old “sensate focus” exercises from Masters & Johnson, to directly stimulate the clitoris (OM), and to foster the creative, euphoric and very alive parts of life.
The larger “Slow Sex” framework is straightforwardly sex-positive. I find ‘slow sex’ values very well grounded in human history and practice. The female orgasm is treated as a treasure that must be cared for and nurtured. If Slow Sex/OM isn’t for you, it will at least stimulate a discussion of what might be.
Suggested Activities For Partners
I’ve always tried to incorporate suggested activities for couples seeking desire and arousal. I have employed activities devised by David Schnarch, Esther Perel, Marty Klein and others. None are as directly oriented to genital stimulation
OM is a modern equivalent of the “sensate focus” exercises that have been widely discredited as sex therapy. Yet the heart of the approach is about inspiring us to live fully and passionately; orgasm is but one (admittedly vital) component.
Who Will Like OM?
For couples who have maintained a relatively warm, if non-passionate, connection, there could be enough resilience, differentiation, good will and nerve to begin OM together.
For some, it will seem like a radical approach, and there’s some truth to that. Others might be put off by the openly heterosexual couple and feminist points of view. Deaden is aware of it and seeks understanding. In “Slow Sex” she also uses a motivational style that can be both annoying and sustaining. That’s part of the competitive publishing market she is in.
After five years as a book, and longer in the making, Slow Sex/OM remains fresh and well-grounded in what it’s trying to do – to re-connect partners actively and simply through a powerful channel, as part of a life to be reinvigorated with pleasure, new commitment, generosity and creativity.