Counseling And Therapy
For Relationships & Individuals
This site introduces you to my psychotherapy practice and its areas of specialization. It’s designed to help you select the best licensed mental health professional to work with.
Here you’ll find personal & professional information, a blog and links to therapy publications & research. It’s meant to reveal different ways I think about my clients and their concerns.
If after review you want to schedule an appointment, please complete the non-clinical Intake Form by clicking the button at the top of any page (takes about 15 mins.) Completing it does not obligate you to accept treatment.
My practice is not accepting new clients until Aug 8 2022.
Commitments To This Work
The therapeutic relationship is a collaborative alliance – people working together towards client goals.
I seek to develop an accurate picture about you, understand the problems you present and effectively address them with you. I ask questions about your life experience and background, and map how you affect those close to you.
Our relationship should help you better understand your feelings, stimulate your thinking, help expand your choices and see your progress clearly.
Learning about your erotic, sexual and relational life is vital for me to understand your sense of self. Over 20 years of service and education have guided me to be a Kink-proficient therapist who also serves consensually/ethically non-monogamous (ENM) clientele.
I have long welcomed the greatest possible diversity of clients into my Seattle, WA offices (Online and onsite). This includes racial, cultural, gender, sexual identities, body types and a wide range of committed relationships. (The color display at the top communicates my embrace of fluid identities.)
I am accountable at any time to your feedback about our relationship. This includes any client experience of racism or prejudice.
How To Make A
Click below to send me the secure, non-clinical Intake Form, starting the first appointment process. Next, we’ll get on the phone to answer your questions and secure the first appointment.
Important as clinical theory is, therapists apply the same theories very differently. Change takes place within the therapeutic - not theoretical- relationship.
Therapist areas of content knowledge & specialization (including kink & ENM) are important. Yet they are second in importance to seasoned clinical and collaborative skills.
20th Century Western monogamy gradually added ‘sexual satisfaction' to marriage's basic requirements. Non-monogamy reduces that difficulty for some. Transitioning ethically & authentically is usually a big personal challenge.
Eroticism, sexuality and relational life - at any level - express the essential self.
Desire and commitment stem from different parts of the brain - and the self.
Relationship therapy is often the best individual therapy you can get.
Anger is not itself an emotion. It's an affect - defined as the visible, audible, perceptible "wrapper' for lots of very different emotions: fear, frustration, betrayal, confusion, shame, etc., etc., etc.
Integrity, ethics, consent, transparency & decency: these are what should govern a kink relationship -the insurance "policies" against the risks of BDSM.
Shame can be paralytic in silent ways, suppressing growth. We can shine a light on it, and take away its power.
Relationships, even instant ones, need a certain amount or kind of warmth. Yet, even ever increasing amounts of warmth do not build, create or replace heat.
Explicit, informed agreements are what ultimately build your relationship. You can have your "expectations". But all alone, they're little more than projections that distort rather than build consensual relationship
Regression is usually thought to be a bad or shameful thing. I see it as part of human learning and development. When we can't address here-and-now problems, we regress to older, less mature responses. Then we grow and learn - often slowly and painfully.
Progress can be measured when you see new choices in how to think, feel or take action - with a more developed sense of self.
Relationship agreements are labor-intensive things. When they are absent, you are practicing some kind of relational privilege. Not thinking that you must think about important or critical truths is my definition of privilege.
Referring to the beginning of a sexual experience, I use the verb “invite” rather than “initiate”. That makes it easier to understand and practice the high art of seduction.
Shame lies somewhere between productive and paralytic. For wrongful acts, some level of shame is productive of growth. But when shame become a durable self-indictment, paralysis ensues and functioning usually deteriorates.
Libido is nothing but a Freudian theory, yet it's assumed by many to be a reality. It has no scientific definition and no data behind it. Tragically, it's used as a diagnostic-sounding bludgeon, where "more" is better/normal. How then to understand demi- and asexuality?
If you don't understand and embrace what conflict is really about - clear statements about self that drive relationships forward - you will be left with only arguments or fights. Your health will suffer. You will be (and feel) 'stuck.'
Some evidence indicates that monogamous & non-monogamous relationship satisfaction levels are about the same. However, transitioning between the two relational types is not simple or easy.
Looking at differences in a relationship's sexual desire is fine. Doing something about it means taking on the question of what partners are willing to do. Those decisions rest with questions of safety, consent, personal "squick" and more.
After all is said and done about kink life, here is the best overall guide: "Not a Top, not a bottom. Not a Master or a slave. Not a whip connoisseur. Not a fister. Not a masochist. Not a protocol hardass. First, be a human being."
Successful psychotherapy requires the therapist to listen - deeply of course. The key for therapists is to then think differently than clients, but strictly for their benefit.
Partners often talk about their relationship "expectations", like they're some kind of absolute rule. Expectations are only half the distance to what really matters: agreements. Expectations are half-baked (and often half-assed) things - at best.
Consensual/Ethical Non-Monogamy: “Consensual” requires informed consent, including transparency and self-disclosure. “Ethical” adds a standard of decency, a mindful awareness of the effect of your relationship choices.
I began to build my knowledge of kinky sexuality over 20 years ago, so that no matter who I work with (kinky or not), I bring the fullest possible spectrum understanding of human sexual behaviors.