Counseling And Therapy
For Two Underserved Populations

Integrity, ethics, consent, transparency & decency should govern kink play as insurance against its risks.

Therapists' cultural knowledge & specialization are important but secondary to seasoned clinical and collaborative skills.

Important as clinical theory is, change happens within the personal therapeutic relationship - not the theoretical one.

Shame can be paralytic in silent ways, suppressing growth. We can shine a light on it, and take away the paralysis.

Anger is not an emotion. It's an affect - the visible/audible "wrapper" for emotions like fear, frustration, betrayal, confusion, shame, etc.

Relationship therapy is often the best individual therapy you can get.

20th Century Western culture gradually added ‘sexual satisfaction' to monogamy's "basic requirements." Non-monogamy pushes back on that. 

Desire and commitment in relationships stem from different parts of the brain - and the self.

Eroticism, sexuality and relational life - at any level - express the essential self.

Relationships, even instant ones, need a certain amount or kind of warmth. Yet adding more warmth does not build, create or renew heat.

You can have "expectations" of your partners, but they're little more than projections onto them. Explicit agreements are what build relationships. 

Understand/embrace conflict - clear, calm statements about self are what drive relationships forward with fewer arguments/fights.

Regression is not bad or shameful thing - it's part of learning. If we don't address here-and-now problems, we regress to 'old tape' responses - until we grow.

Progress can be measured when you see new choices in how to think, feel or take action - with a better developed sense of self.

Psychotherapy mixes support and challenge. "Fit" is when therapist and client agree on the mix. That takes more than a phone call or a first appointment.

Relationship agreements are labor-intensive. When they are absent, you are practicing relational privilege - when you assume things about your partner(s).

Referring to beginning a sexual experience, I use the verb “invite” rather than “initiate”. That's easier to understand and you can practice the art of seduction.

Shame lies between productive and paralytic. For wrongful acts, some shame is productive. When it becomes an ongoing indictment, you get paralysis.

Evidence indicates that monogamous & non-monogamous relationship satisfaction levels are about the same. Transitioning between the two is not simple or easy.

Libido is a Freudian theory with no scientific definition or data. Yet it's assumed to define desire and that "more" is better/normal. How then to understand demi- and asexuality?

Clients often say they feel guilty about something. It's frequently about them taking responsibility that's either displaced or misplaced- not about true violations.

Seeing differences in a relationship's sexual desire is fine. The bigger question is who partners really want to be and what they are willing to do. 

Kink "aware" or "friendly" for healthcare professionals is insufficient. "Proficient" is based on extensive education & experience is defines expertise.

Regarding kink life, consider this: "Not a Top, not a bottom. Not a Master or a slave. Not a whip connoisseur. Not a fister. Not a masochist. Not a protocol hardass. First, be a human being."

I began building my knowledge of kink over 20 years to bring the fullest possible spectrum of understanding human sexual behaviors.

Consensual/Ethical Non-Monogamy: “Consensual” = informed consent. It includes transparency, self-disclosure - and privacy. “Ethical” = decency:  mindfulness of your effect on others

Psychotherapy requires the therapist to listen - deeply of course. The key for therapists is to then think differently than clients, but strictly for their benefit.

Post-traumatic symptoms reveal an unfortunate truth about the close relationship between the mind and the body. 

I've learned over the years that relationships built on dependence eventually but invariably degrade into hostility.

Partners often talk about relationship expectations. They're only half of what really matters: agreements. Expectations are half-baked (and often half-assed) things.

I often receive apologies from clients when they openly show true feelings. I decline the apologies and invite clients to their rightful process.

I spent years working in intensive psychiatric settings so that I could learn diagnosis well - and -understand its limitations in the therapy relationship.

Immunity applies to microbiology - and to emotional life. Emotional immunity is what allows you to choose your feelings, free from others' contagious emotions and power plays.

Polyamory is only one form of non-monogamy. 

Whatever "relationship anarchy" is (or whatever you think it is), it's a poor way of identifying or describing freedom of choice in an adult relationship.